Listen up. I’m only going to say this once.

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It will be no news to anyone that there is a Joint Select Committee on Gambling Reform, or that they are running a parliamentary inquiry into pre-commitment for poker machines. Every few days over the past month or so we would be treated to select phrases, often out of context, in the mainstream press… but the purpose driving the committee and the inquiry has remained strong.

One question I’ve been asked a number of times is why I didn’t make a submission to the inquiry. Given my tendency to write long and often about the pokies, and my stated support for gambling reform, surely this was something I should have done?

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I’ve been writing this blog for about five months now, which seems strange as I can’t imagine my life without it. Cyenne has changed me, has opened me up to people and ideas that I’d held at arm’s length for so long, or didn’t even realise existed. Recently I owned up to my past and stamped my name on this blog (and the Twittersphere) and I realise that this was just a part of dealing with my issues; even though it’s been ten years since I quit playing the pokies I’m still dealing with it inside.

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It’s been some months since I started cyenne.com, and much has changed in that time. Not just on the gambling scene, what with the Federal government’s actions on problem gambling and so on, but also with me. Since I broke my self-imposed exile from everything to do with the pokies, I’ve learned a heck of a lot, and many of my half-formed opinions and positions have crystallised. I’ve also discovered many, many other people out there who have similar points of view, and are working tirelessly towards achieving the same ends as I now aim for.

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Problem gambling is a strange addiction. When you say “addiction” most people think of drugs, legal or otherwise. Cigarettes, alcohol, prescription drugs, ecstacy, heroin, cocaine… you get the picture. The thing that’s common to all of these is that there’s a physical component to the addiction. Your body craves the drug, and so you give it more. As a long-time smoker, I know all about this!

But gambling is a different beast. It’s a mental addiction, preying on feelings of vulnerability and depression (amongst others) to get started, and then feeding off your shame and remorse to keep you quiet about it.

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I’ve mentioned before that after I stopped gambling, I took up writing as one way of filling the void left in my life by the pokies. I wrote a lot of short stories, publishing them on a website called the Short Story Workshop and getting feedback from other amateur writers. I was terrible at first but gradually improved (thankfully).

One of the last stories that I wrote and published on that site was called Quiet Desperation. It’s fiction, but it is based on my experiences as a problem gambler. I wrote this back in 1999, but it still gives me a chill reading it again.

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Giving up the pokies (or any form of gambling, for that matter) when you’ve got a problem is hard. Very hard. But staying on the wagon, as the days becomes weeks and months, can be tricky too. If you seek advice, whether from counselors, websites, help lines or even a self-help book or two, one of the common coping strategies that you’ll come across is the idea of filling the void that the pokies have left behind.

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Regardless of their reasons for gambling, it’s my experience that most problem gamblers are looking for that one big win. You know, the win that will make all their losses worthwhile. The win that will vindicate their decision to gamble in the first place. The win that will give their life meaning, and allow them to shed those feelings of guilt and desperation.

I know all about this. When I was gambling, I was convinced I was going to win big, sooner or later. Absolutely convinced. Oh, I knew the pokies were random and that each game had as much chance (ie: not much) of paying out as the last or the next, but that didn’t matter. I knew. It was only a matter of time.

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I’ve lived most of my life in Melbourne, Victoria. Grew up here, went to school, went to uni, got a job. And growing up, I would hear about the pokies holidays; bus trips across the border into New South Wales, specifically for the purpose of spending a day or two playing the pokies before returning home to normality.

Because in the Victoria that I grew up in, there were no pokies. There was no casino. Sure, there was gambling… let’s face it, gambling has been around for a long time. You don’t need pokies to gamble.

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